the burger saga ………

So i had a wonderful time just beyond three hours from room checkout at the Victoria Warehouse … sat in their wonderful reception/lobby surfing the more often than not less than glamorous realms of ‘motorhome/caravan/race truck’ search world. Then i had to leave – i couldn’t really sit there all day. I gave the dogs another fast paced stretch past the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand and back again, by then the good-looking lads were erecting marquees in the car park (probably in preparation for the opening of the Science & Art Exhibition – is it really going to be that big? Zac Dingle is joining us …. are futurejack really going to play in front of a good few hundred peeps?) nice!    According to my notes, i’ve planned to head toward Lancaster, Lancashire – so i need to get back on the M602, M62 and then get onto M61  – where did i go wrong?   the rain started to fall, time was fast approaching ‘rush 3 hours’ – was probably about 4pm and the queues on the motorway were forming … i turned onto the M60 ring road toward Preston, should have waited a bit further along the M62 to get onto the M6 and then wound back up toward Bolton … ok, so i got it wrong and then it went pear-shaped from there – ended up roving between Warrington and Newton (A49) doing a round robin times two! and decidedly stopped at the B&Q and Burger King exit.  Was a fair bit hungry since i’d had nothing but an apple and two cheese cubes plus a wee marmite pack since breakfast, more than 7 hours previous …. this incited me to do something i’d not done for possibly more than 12 years – i entered the Burger King, and i had in mind the fact of eating a burger (i rarely rarely rarely ever eat beef) … i approached the till with an iota of hope and looked at the tempting tantalising photography on display – so i made a decision and ordered the ‘sandwich of the day’ for £3.99, a double cheeseburger, fries and drink – ‘can i get a coffee rather than cold drink?’ … ‘yes’ replied the overweight server.  I only had to wait about three minutes for the goods – because it wasn’t too busy i’m stood there anticipating some fresh cooked scran.  ‘You want any ketchup or mayonnaise?’ i was asked by the assistant, I declined.  I took my tray to a seat swathed in sun and sat down.  Already i was feeling a bit less trusting in the fayre in front of me – for one thing, it was a lot lot smaller than the photograph depicted … the fries kind of fell, broken, out of their shitty little cardboard box,  … and then i unwrapped the tightly squeezed burger king paper from around the squished squashed putty roll that purportedly encased a double cheeseburger and bacon … i was gripped with hunger –  i took off the top part of the roll to reveal, brown bacon, sloppy sick cheese and a deflated burger …. i got up, walked back to the assistant and said ‘i can’t eat that, give me my money back please’ … he looked astonished, perplexed even, went off to talk to someone at the back of the shop and then returned with till key and opened the till and gave me back £2.31, retaining the money for the latte that i had in my hand.  I returned to my van, over the next ten minutes, drank the latte, which i then realised was just sloppy slushy shit milky tasting crap which gurgled in my alimentary canal for the next half hour making me feel less than sporty … my parting words to the overweight server were, ‘it’s little wonder i haven’t been in an establishment like this for more than a decade’ – and i believe it to be true, i will never ever venture in one again. . . til the day i die, (unless of course i am in dire need of a shit – cos they have useable toilets). So i sat off in their car park and made use of their free wi-fi for another hour or so and then decided to head to Lancaster.  I took the wrong turning off the roundabout and ended up toward Liverpool again where huge motorway car park queues still equated … i’m quickly realising that being on the road well and truly reminds me i have no home, and i’m just chasing my tail … how long is this going to be my fate?  i took the next exit slip road (toward Warrington/Newton A49 for the 3rd time) and then done a quick zip back round to the services adjacent to that roundabout …. ahhhhhh, lovely, here, i find myself in the refines of a Starbucks Coffee Station and a KFC.  I let the dogs out for a brief respite in the kerb and then head in to the services to try find some food.  I use the toilet, so the pelvics are relieved after a good few hours exercise….  there’s a WHSmith and, according to my no/low carb diet I find some Pepperami and hey presto, lucky for me, there’s a New Pepperami ‘Wideboy’ … fatter than your usual Unilever pork sausage snack and certainly fills my gap!  i sit momentarily in a ‘life on the road’ haze … then i notice the KFC menu and their ‘Wicked Bucket’ and ‘Variety Bucket’ and ‘Boneless Bucket’ … wondering how many thousands and millions of chicks have had their beaks spliced at birth to stop the pecking habit of a lifetime … my eyes avert to the vendors of the said fast killed smothered in gluck, food, absolutely all of whom are grossly misshapen from their skeletal birthright – a disgusting and shameful indictment on the human being. Then i see the ‘Welcome Break Gaming’ and some petty gambling machines and a little bit of ‘Save The Children, Pudsy’ fund.  Grief strickens me as i walk back to my van.  I have absolutely nothing better to do than greedily take more of the free Wi-Fi from this soul destroying part of the earth and continue my search for a motorhome ….  and remember, this is a day of a full moon/eclipse .. a time of opposites, Aries (aggression and charisma) and Libran (indecisiveness and partnership), absolutely scattered!   and the rain continues to fall and the arteries of the motorway ease and i feel i’ve made the decision to drive through the dark skies further norther toward Lancaster and prepare for a searching saturday to secure a moving roof over my head ….

Alas, another wrong turn on the long winding cat-eyed road and i’m led back to Liverpool.  At the mercy of a friends’ sofa I retreat for the night with a cut price salad, some mixed feta/olives and a large bag of twiglets, and a bottle of Isla Negra Reserva (8/10) ………

I’m about to curl up for some fetal sleep, with the hope that i take the right road in the morning.

 

 

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