Uh huh yeah….

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Uh huh, you know when

you think things are going to go one way n then quite quickly you realise that they are heading another way and the best possible scenario is that you adjust and adapt quite quickly… How’d you do that? Especially when you feel hotter than hot and your special friend ain’t available and you’ve met so many ‘insigfnificant others’ along the way that you actually experience that beautiful situation called ‘stir crazy’ and that still ain’t enough so you carry on until you find that you can’t even think about coming…. Your present moment, how good is it?

This is my rhetoric
It vacates me

A Continue reading

Becoming more Lovin’

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In an empty room, just me, my guitar and my tambourine … Waiting

But i’m not waiting for anything anymore, i’m breathing it all in, every experience, and then letting it go again

I’m here now and ready to do something good, positive and meaningful .. I want to be more lovin to people in general

But especially i’m doing this to help ease and make more bearable the tragedy that has recently gripped my family .. No, it won’t change what has happened but i want now for my cold heart to melt and be warm again

This is for you mum, the only person who has supported me in every single thing i have ever done and i turned my back on you, sorry … The song ‘more lovin’ is for you and your firstborn

This is for you dad, and all that effort and joy you invested in me when i was the apple of your eye … Thanks also for my ‘pearls’ of wisdom

This is for you middle boy, destroying your life, all i can do is hope and pray your pain subsides and you make peace before your life ends

This is for you little sis and your baby girl .. Please please always keep me in your hearts and live your dreams … As long as i live and breathe, i’ll be lovin you

White lines rule

Thought I’d wear a trilby hat cos the temperature had dipped and it’s said that 30-40% of your body heat can be lost through your head, not sure how true that is but I definitely feel warmer with headwear, especially when it’s been loaned to me by a warm hearted friend…

So I head into town in my green parka and said trilby (with personalised gold band which then happened to make me look a bit like a smooth criminal) and I hadn’t even made it into the pub before being affectionately ridiculed for looking something like the aforementioned smooth criminal… Admittedly the lager fuelled lad did do a fair mimic of the deceased Micky Jackson in my honour and i, deciding to have a bouncy night from the start, went along with it and flicked my heels and busted a couple of moves for him and his pal’s entertainment..

I click my heels and whisk into the pub, which, as always on a friday night, is booming.. I head straight for the bar and yeah i’m getting a few looks, the trilby certainly seems to draw favour, coupled with my blue n pink hair bobbing out the base of the hatline … i’m wanting a whiskey and ask the barmaid for a Glen Moray, they don’t have, so i asks for a Famous Grouse, they don’t have  that either… they hands me a list of the scotch they have so i go for johnny walker but hey, they’re all out of that … i’ll have a G&T then … so the barmaid asks which type of Gin i’d like… i think my look from beneath the rim of my hat just about gave her the answer ….

Anyway, i’m in the pub to meet an ex-band member mate so we can catch up on some lost time. All starts well but i cant help sense that i no longer feel the same way about this person, there’s too much water passed under our bridges and i’m left realising that our relationship is really teetering … Weirdly enough we move on to another pub and then one more, we have crossed words, then make up, have one last pint together, sing a karaoke song each and then my wayward airhead mind steers me out of the ale house and i jog on quickly across town, on my own.

As i turn a corner there ahead of me is a good friend, busking out in the cool night air.. ‘can i do a couple’ i hear meself asking, ‘for sure, be my guest’ says the captain and he sits off for a smoke whilst i promptly cue mad world.. Get some coins thrown in, the acoustics on lord street absolutely amazing, felt like i was a superstar as my voice carried right on up the buildings and into the sky above the city.. One more song, played ‘tick tock’ by futurejack and relished every moment, thankful to the people who put their money into the captain’s pot whilst on their friday night out.

Says my goodbyes to the captain.
Phone ringing.
Ex band member, fuming.
Texting.
I shouldn’t be getting off
Without saying goodbye.
Good goodbyes are always better left unsaid.

Moving swiftly on and i jump a bus out of town. Heading for Smithdown road, gonna meet a new friend who actually doesn’t show up but does ensure that i find my way to a wonderful little bar where the ratio of men to women has the best odds going. I know enough people in there and start having a ball. The band start playing their deep south rumba salsa swing thing and i keep on drinking…

I have a sweet spot for drummers, always have, always will i reckon.
And so, the band finish their set and the drummer is soon by my side and we’re getting on just fine, great little dancer he was too, swinging me about, making me laugh and smile. But then someone else comes in the room, someone i like a lot, a recent friend and then everything starts to change and the odds stack in my favour…

More drinking, more music, and the guys getting on the piano, striking out some grand tunes .. The atmosphere was boss..

The drummer offers me a hotel room with him for the night but my other mate, the dark haired talented lad, well i reckon he cast a spell on me, which is particularly good cos by now the drummer has lost me, as soon as he starts offering up some white line indulgence. My rule of thumb is, almost always, decline.

Suffice to say the rest of the night was brilliant and it carried on and spilt over into the next day and it carried on and t’was about 30 hours until i returned the said trilby to its rightful owner. It would easily have been on my head for another twelve hours had the talented lad not burst the spell and popped me out of my weekend bubble for ending up being just like the majority, preferring white lines to me..

My rule of thumb when it comes down to choice… almost always, decline.

So it all ended when, just about 2am when i left the bar and walked from smithdown road back to the other side of town … i freely admit i was feeling pretty flat, disappointed and let down, but i had to smile to myself and acknowledge and savour the fun i’d had, the golden hours i’d spent in between.  Sometimes just got to bite the bullet, when White Lines Rule is best to know when to quit.

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A little nip turns into a red hot night

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A bit of a cold start to bonfire night amidst a circle of students who looked upon me quite simply as a bit of flesh.. The emaciated bespectacled organiser and his cute looking counterpart, both too young and inexperienced to even bother to offer that tiny shred of necessity… ‘heat’ to a naked model… Uh huh, just a hard seat, a cold hard table and admittedly a luxury purple blanket was what they presented.  It was brass monkeys in that their grandiose room at the student guild.. A perfect temperature for perfect nipples, there is always a saving grace to every darn hellish situation…
And saving grace continued from there with the night improving somewhat as each step of the way got more drunken, every sambuca swigged, warming the cockles (and said frosted nipples)  to the point where invitation came through via text, to ‘the bonfire party’…
A quick stop at the city centre booze palace, where they are no longer offering any sort of bargains and indeed rob n thieve you of your small change..having got onto the game that every drinker just wants to leave the premises with their said drink and will not quibble over the few pence not forthcoming in change… Disgruntled, I obliged this game of theft because, i too just wanted to leave the shop with said alcohol, what i do remember is calling out loudly it be ‘dirty’… It’s an extra revenue all of its own… (the corner shop in my hometown where I grew up was doing it more than 25 years ago too, they know what they’re doing)…
So…ahoy the bonfire

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What an extremely wonderful warm collection of people were to be found in the vicinity..
I could possibly recount all that took place because I remember every enlightening conversation going on (even though I was well n truly under the influence) however… Personally for me, the best part of the night was when my good friend and I being deep deep in conversation suddenly took a swerve for the worse when he, totally wasted, lost his footing and stumbled, tripped and whooshed himself through the fire to fall in the lap of another good friend over t’other side… Everyone gathered to check he was okay… Then, sweet dear little Helen chirped up, looking at me.. ‘did you push him’…
It’s lucky we were all unashamedly very drunk and found it all to be hysterical

I’d like to elaborate on the unfolding of the rest of the night but alas that would mean I’d be telling my secrets, what I will garnish is that it was sweet n splendid and I think my ‘dry run’ new york nakedness is working already….

Countdown Commenced

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I just read a quote by Miuccia Prada.. ‘one’s life and passion may be elsewhere but New York is where you prove if what you think in theory makes sense in life’…

My life and passion is in photography and music and i theoretically gravitate on a pivotal axle of both hope and despair … My journey up until this point has mostly been a wandering galaxy of wading through successes, failures, heartbrakes, rushes of euphoria and madness and countered by bleak nihilism. I thought i’d found myself once, thought i really had been blessed with a purpose – but that was fleeting like a double edged rainbow.. Over a decade on still i realise (and it smacks with disappointment in myself) that i am yet to achieve the fundamental purpose of humanity … love

In all honesty, i do remember faintly what love feels like… Other than that for your birth mother (which can be pretty screwy) … So, im setting off to put my theory to the test … Its not even a theory actually but for the sake of the prada quote im going with it … I’m going to strip myself of most all of my possessions and go naked (uh huh) to new york … Gonna sing my heart out and see if, like in the animal kingdom, my warbling can attract real true dynamic love …
Cos without this (what my avalon head dreams to be) amazing piece of human nature …its game over!
Wish me well
And my lucky stars look over me
Fourteen days n fourteen nights
Countdown
Commenced….

A conclusion is the place where you find yourelf . . . when tired of thinking

Today is the anniversary of my 44th year of being on this planet….. and i find myself on a parodoxical plane of being tired of this life yet gripped by the thrill of what could become of it.  So much fun, but in equal portion so many troubles … a plague on the lifeline …. but in the meantime … i’ll get a cut n colour, stop the carbs, drop a dress size and go drink some more sambuca and have some more fun.  Happiness is always just around the corner, in fact it hides in the shadows, flits across the peripheral vision, resides in the chinks of light and the cracks in the walls and slopes about at home when you’re out trying to find it.  Today I wear the colour of the rainbows, either putting a brave face on it or actually living and feeling it … that is my conclusion …….

from morrisons to the knights’ bonfire …..

ahhhhh, familiar territory in the shape of Liverpool …

i’m still sick

i quickly collect the wee lad otherwise known as ‘Slippers’ (cos he pretty much likes to sit on your feet whenever possible, with or without a shitty ring hole), a quick thanks to the friend who watched over him (and wanted to give him back to me as soon as, which made the sick drive possible) … but anyway, i honoured my vow to collect the four-legged pooch before midnight on a (i think it was) Wednesday night – but this homelessness business (and not believing in the gregorian calendar) makes way for losing track of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and ….well, life in general.

as i write/type, i’m trying to remember where i went from collecting the dog…. ?!! without a home i’m finding it more challenging to remember where i’ve been

what i do know (only due to photographic evidence) … is that the following morning I had a Morrisons ‘Flying Start’ breakfast … and ahhhh! now i remember, the morrisons i went into was the one in Huyton and that would mean that i had a three day window of grace staying at a very good friends’ flat (where me and the two dogs had turned up the night before just around a half past midnight!!) … now it’s coming back to me. …..

this was breakfast (after walking the two dogs of course)

the flying start breakfast at morrisons

it cost about £3.60 all in with a cup of sugary tea, and it done the trick, revived me, sorted my immediate sanity issues …

and then i headed for Lark Lane ….  when i bought my halloween outfit a couple of days previously, i’d also seen a couple of things to make great presents … and there’s someone in my life (only via facebook) whom i haven’t seen since they were approximately 6 years old and very soon they were heading for 22!  so i had a gift to purchase and a shop to get to

and to get there i passed by somewhere which reminded me of my drummer

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…. and so i took a few more steps along the lane and thought, i have time for a coffee

so i went into the Green Days Cafe

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looked out of the window to keep dog’s eye on the little shop across the road …. the sun was streaming through the window and i sat back for a moment to renew my levels of sanity …. much in need as they were for renewal

and then, after coffee

i

had a little wander round this shop ….

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the bonny experience …….

life is tough, so much so that its proving difficult to smile, and that’s how i know that things aren’t right … smiling has always been an enjoyable pastime for me, but right now, i can’t seem to pull any out of the face

even when this was on offer, a welcoming gesture upon arrival at my wonderful baby sister’s home

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admittedly, it was a sunshine moment at the height of despair and it was definitely cheering.
But so soon afterward, more grey troubles presented themselves.

I’m thinking there’s just something de-motivating in the energy down South, having lived so long and pretty much happily up North for over a decade…

I’m here to find a motorhome, as nothing so far has presented itself as ticking the boxes to my requirements.  Am i too fussy? do i want too much? obviously so

there’s no internet at my sisters so i head for the parents house, having to get the timing right because there are a couple of monsters (siblings) amidst and they definitely require the widest berth you could ever imagine …

so i gets on the internet and i commence yet another lengthy search via e-bay, preloved, gumtree, and any other google search i can think of ….. suddenly a Winnebago Brave presents itself and the pictures look pretty good, the number plate is enchanting and its only been up for sale for 59 minutes .. i dial the number

the bloke on the other end talks very very fast so i ask him to slow down, and it’s quite funny that he slows down to a very strange and warped ‘grave’ tempo … (this, i should have taken into account as an omen)

anyway, we manage to understand each other and i book a viewing for the next day, out near Wembley …

from the parents house me and my sister go off to do some errands together, i’m feeling a bit sick because my life is an upside down mess, my possessions scattered around Merseyside, my home is currently my van with a suitcase and guitar and dog food in it … one of my dogs is with me, one is with a friend up North … my head is battered and bruised – i’m usually an organised, neat ‘place for everything and everything in its place’ type o girl .. and here and now, it looks nothing like the calm and tranquil lake in my mind – in fact it looks more like the landfill experience i had two decades ago where all the shit and rubbish from all over Essex, Middlesex and Hertfordshire was dumped …

anyway, we find ourselves in Hertford, both hungry and thirsty, so we decide to treat ourselves to lunch and our feet take us to a nice little number in what is called ‘Saloon’

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and so on a personal selfish level, i get an hour reprieve from the monsters in my head, and i feast on good food and wine (but of course, over indulgence comes back to kick you in the head, as you will find out as you read on)

thus, being in the mood to continue drinking and dining, the mother parent wants to spend time with her daughters and granddaughter so that very same night, we prepare to go out for a meal … and this we do, to a rather posh and nice restaurant

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another glorious break from reality, an expensive meal, but that’s what expensive taste buds do for you ……..

and then we get home

and then we drink another two bottles of red wine, and a rather rotten white!

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it was off! uurrgggghhhhhhhh, took it back to the late night off licence and advised them that it’s shelf life was most certainly over

and then the next morning, there’s a density in the air, or is it in our  heads?

and i have to meet up with the female parent to go and view a motorhome that i am to potentially purchase and travel by car to a place outside of Wembley …. i pull myself together as we pull into the farm where the motorhome is parked.  we meet the seller, a gypsy looking man with two gold bottom teeth and a large scar from top lip cross ways, looking like at some point in his life he may have taken a baseball bat to the mouth (possibly?!) … anyway, this man chats away, using coin of phrases over and over again … i’m in a part desperate position (cos i’m homeless) and i’m pinning my hopes on this motorhome …. and it looks pretty decent

it has almost everything i need (other than a kennel for the dogs!) … it even has a full on bike rack on the back, for a scooter to be carried.  we agree a price, shake hands on it and i say i’ll be back the following Wednesday to collect … so now i’m beginning to feel hungry so me and the parent make haste toward a feeding venue, we’re in a little place outside of Wembley so unknown territory to us, and then i catch sight of a garden centre and there’s a cafe within its grounds – quicker than you can say ‘full english’ we’re in the wonders of the tinsel lined aisles and into the cafe…. we order salmon and scrambled eggs on toast and tea and orange juice whilst we wait … i’m waning, feeling pretty empty, thirsty and deflated from the adrenalin rush of looking over my potential new home.  Breakfast is served and it looks fantastic … i tuck my fork into the scrambled egg and savour the first mouthful, next forkful in includes the salmon, and then another polite mouthful, alas, my nightmare continues as the blood drains from around my mouth and my lips begin to tingle … i feel like i’m going to fall off my chair and within seconds i’m doubled over, my parent still merrily stuffing their food and then looking on in distaste and weary shock too.  I feel as if my world is crashing in and i just want to get out of the place and curl up featal like somewhere under a rock or a stone.

can’t believe how ill i have become so quickly

i spend the rest of the day doubled over, trying to sleep, knowing that i have to make a three and a half hour journey back up the motorways to Liverpool, to no home, to have to collect my other dog …. feeling sick as a dog …. can life throw anything else at me?!

yep, it sure can, it comes gratuitously by way of torrential rain for three hours (200 miles) of motorway driving, by this time i haven’t eaten or drank anything for almost 24 hours and i’m battling nature, arctic lorries, speeding cars and mile upon mile of cats eyes ……….

Halloween happiness …..

My beautiful friend again gave me her sofa for the night before Halloween, and we spent the evening along Lark Lane, in Keith’s wine bar to be precise. It was lovely because i’d started the evening at the Lark Lane Artelier run by Alex Corina – there was some kooky artwork on show; being the opening night of their Christmas exhibition. Well well worth a visit…. i made some new friends and met a couple of artsy pals too. We drank red wine, chatted artistically, enthusiastically and even futuristically.

 

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Then i met my favourite Harpsichord player and we ate at Raga’s across the lane. Unbelievably hot stuff!

Then we went to Keith’s and got stuck in over a bottle (or two) – of good red wine.

There was some fantastic live Jazz being played and the atmosphere was particularly chilled.

On my walk to Keith’s i spotted something fantastic in a little shop window and thought to myself, that could make up part of a great Halloween costume …

The night continued on to be a great one, with lots of red wine drinking and then some happy threesome partying back at the flat (meaning three people having good solid banter and drinks and nibbles) !!!

Thus, i returned to the Lane the following morning (Halloween itself) and purchased the very wonderful mask i’d seen – and prior to getting to that shop and upon when i jumped out of the boogie bus, in another shop window i saw the best accompaniment to that mask and immediately went in and purchased it ….

So here’s how i went to the Lomax Liverpool for Halloween (via Brink and a bit of an acoustic slot)

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aha! and i’d booked into a local motel so as me and my wonderful drummer could party and then go get a couple of hours worth of zeds before we had to go our separate ways into the madness thereafter …

Personally Halloween came and went in a particularly laid back way – the quality of costumes seen at the Lomax was gruesomely brilliant and there were lots of live performances …. WE, futurejack, played in the downstairs cellar bar and it was horridly enjoyable.

Back to the motel. Lots of chatting and a couple of Gin Toddy’s ….. and then some zeds zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

maluka, the beach & life modelling …..

Tuesday brings with it the fact that i have to get off my recovery sofa and get back into the brutal world.  I’m still under par but i have a commitment made and unless i’m dead, i always try to honor my engagements. Firstly I walk the dog (i only have one dog for now, as my other is being tended to by a friend, giving me an ounce or two of reprieve) and lucky for us the sun is out and it’s a bright autumnal morning. Once Karma is sorted I then jump a shower, freshen up and get into some comfortable clothing.

I’m hungry but have no food in close proximity and i’m decidedly going to treat myself to a breakfast of egg n bacon, that’s all i want and so i jump in the Boogie Bus with Karma and we begin our journey toward the tunnel (i have to be in Hoylake for my engagement).  I’m looking for a cafe en route but for some harsh reason, one does not present itself.  I’m waning with hunger but decide to get across the water and find something that side.

Oh and I do … as i drive toward Hoylake I espy a couple of little cafe’s but nowhere easy to park, and then, i see the chalkboard on the pavement, like the peripheral view i see of the ‘brasserie’ and shake a quick left into a side street and park up fast. Any longer and i reckon i’d have been chewing on my dog’s tail!

I walk into the beautifully quaint brasserie at about 11.40am (the chalkboard having said that breakfast is served till midday) so luck is shining for me and i ask the girl if chef would be kind enough to just cook me eggs n bacon.  She’s helpful enough, although it did seem for a moment that perhaps they couldn’t swerve from the set menu, however there’s not one single other customer in, so really, they’re glad for the meagre custom i bring.

Anyway, breakfast is ordered ….

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(cost = £6.60 / maybe expensive for a breakfast, but worthy of it)

and i am delighted !!  the best eggs i have had cooked for me, ever! probably!   oh joy, i felt as if someone was definitely looking down on me and saying, ‘there you go girl, enjoy’ …. and i did

The place is called Maluca (which in Portuguese means ‘crazy’ supposedly) … it’s a fantastic little place with an amazing bathroom …

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the size of the tap had me in awe!

and it’s child friendly i’m reckoning….

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Now i’ve got about 40 minutes to kill before the Art commences …

So, i take my beautiful Karma to the beach …

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she absolutely loves the beach!

it’s a fair bit windy and chilly but it’s sure getting rid of the cobwebs.

We walk as far toward the turbines as i could and then i espied a wonderful boat and just as i was about to photograph it a man began walking all over it, at first i felt he would ruin my shots, but then he added to them, and then it turned out he was the guy who made it … we spoke and he filled me in on a couple of bits of its history … it’s known as the ‘The Grace Darling’ …..

https://www.facebook.com/TheBlackPearlNewBrighton

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an exhilarating experience, and one that i would certainly not have enjoyed had i found a cafe in Liverpool …. the winds that blow you off route are definitely some of the best …

A quick brush down of the sand and i head to the hall where the Life Art Session is to commence …

I’m well looked after, always, by this group and there’s always some fantastic results emerging..

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Now my quest is to find a bed for the night!