Doing this the whiskey way

Somebody told me once,’lay off the whiskey, it’s for losers… now the truth is I was never fond of whiskey, as a child it was my father’s choice of poison, and although he wasn’t a loser, he sure weren’t a winner either.. Many times in my memory a night of scotch would often end up like a scene from rocky…so it pretty much was to my dismay that I formed a taste for it just a relatively short space in time ago… And indeed the taste-bud development for said fermented grain mash was quite swift.. In less than 18 months I’d coiffed, sloshed and deliberated over many of the malts out there, even getting excited about pubs that had a ‘whiskey map’ and cities that had ‘whiskey stores’…

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….. To a most recent fine moment of swigging merrily on a johnny walker blue label for 40 bucks…

Thus, along the whisky way I took some knocks, experienced increased aggressive behaviour in self, done some things that had I not been ‘mashed’ in the head I would most definitely not have done, some laughable, some against my sober code of conduct.. So upon waking this morning with hip flask in my pocket (jack daniels honey for the record) to being thrown out of the Brooklyn room I’d purchased online to here and now being totally alone in NYC… I’m of the belief that there could be something in that statement about being a loser, I sure feel it…

The hip flask is still in my pocket and I know there’s a wee dram left in there….
…the question now is, does one continue to imbibe the ‘water of life?’ does one carry on the whiskey way?

Adverse anniversary

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Five hours ago I received a message… It said simply ‘happy anniversary x’ i hadn’t been in contact with the sender for more than 7 days.. The reason being for self-preservation purposes and as a precaution to more meltdown melodrama whilst trying to live through an adventure of bravery and freedom.. In simple terms: game over.  So what is an anniversary and why the necessity to dig up the road past trodden? Especially if the road ahead is not being trodden together… A date in the diary, a calendar filler, a heart wrenched moment to behold. Hand me the eraser so I can rub out the mistake, give me that piece of string so I can tie everything together that has fallen apart, let me rummage deeper into my toolkit of happiness… Aha, there’s a heart to make me remember that love is all around me. As if I need reminding. Love is particularly that elastic band, stretching me to my limit.. The past three decades of my life continually increasing the melting pot of cynicism and jadedness in the arcs and recesses of my wide open mind. Love is absolute, it is all, joy, happiness, pain, sorrow, fantasy, fancy, fucking downright evil delivery.. Every single emotion a human being produces makes up the many panes to the window of love but they’re all bound to shatter unless there is absolute understanding flowing between two souls wanting to make it in a partnership. I had forgotten that a year ago today was a moment of beautiful bonding, a weird happiness that swirled through fits of giggles and gentle caresses…I’d forgotten because I didn’t want to remember cos the basis of the union was flawed. It was fundamentally full of holes. It fired up from nothing else but alcohol, blunt packed cigarettes and rock n roll … i woke up from the hangover and smelt the Colombian coffee and since then I have been consciously in action to remove all thoughts of that time because that so-called date to remember led me along a destructive path. I experienced losses along the way, my frame of mind worsened and I changed into something I didn’t like… 365 days later I need no reminder. I’m too busy re-wiring my frazzled mind. Thus, to flip this into a positive adverse anniversary I shall now set this date as that on which I started giggling and laughing again as I put my best foot forward to once again set my life back on track.

In an Empire State of Mind

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When faced with empowerment it’s best embraced with a brave heart and an open and willing mind… Fear, I actively disassociate from for I realise it is a hindrance, a blocked mindset… This life I have will be over soon, could cease at any time so I’m packing some big empirical experiences in my spiritual suitcase and I am ensuring that my soul is fed with adventure and discovery. My vision has suddenly grown vast and an infinitely big picture has arrived and is mine to draw upon.  Miracles happen as destiny evolves… I am in an empire state of mind

Uh huh yeah….

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Uh huh, you know when

you think things are going to go one way n then quite quickly you realise that they are heading another way and the best possible scenario is that you adjust and adapt quite quickly… How’d you do that? Especially when you feel hotter than hot and your special friend ain’t available and you’ve met so many ‘insigfnificant others’ along the way that you actually experience that beautiful situation called ‘stir crazy’ and that still ain’t enough so you carry on until you find that you can’t even think about coming…. Your present moment, how good is it?

This is my rhetoric
It vacates me

A Continue reading

Becoming more Lovin’

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In an empty room, just me, my guitar and my tambourine … Waiting

But i’m not waiting for anything anymore, i’m breathing it all in, every experience, and then letting it go again

I’m here now and ready to do something good, positive and meaningful .. I want to be more lovin to people in general

But especially i’m doing this to help ease and make more bearable the tragedy that has recently gripped my family .. No, it won’t change what has happened but i want now for my cold heart to melt and be warm again

This is for you mum, the only person who has supported me in every single thing i have ever done and i turned my back on you, sorry … The song ‘more lovin’ is for you and your firstborn

This is for you dad, and all that effort and joy you invested in me when i was the apple of your eye … Thanks also for my ‘pearls’ of wisdom

This is for you middle boy, destroying your life, all i can do is hope and pray your pain subsides and you make peace before your life ends

This is for you little sis and your baby girl .. Please please always keep me in your hearts and live your dreams … As long as i live and breathe, i’ll be lovin you

White lines rule

Thought I’d wear a trilby hat cos the temperature had dipped and it’s said that 30-40% of your body heat can be lost through your head, not sure how true that is but I definitely feel warmer with headwear, especially when it’s been loaned to me by a warm hearted friend…

So I head into town in my green parka and said trilby (with personalised gold band which then happened to make me look a bit like a smooth criminal) and I hadn’t even made it into the pub before being affectionately ridiculed for looking something like the aforementioned smooth criminal… Admittedly the lager fuelled lad did do a fair mimic of the deceased Micky Jackson in my honour and i, deciding to have a bouncy night from the start, went along with it and flicked my heels and busted a couple of moves for him and his pal’s entertainment..

I click my heels and whisk into the pub, which, as always on a friday night, is booming.. I head straight for the bar and yeah i’m getting a few looks, the trilby certainly seems to draw favour, coupled with my blue n pink hair bobbing out the base of the hatline … i’m wanting a whiskey and ask the barmaid for a Glen Moray, they don’t have, so i asks for a Famous Grouse, they don’t have  that either… they hands me a list of the scotch they have so i go for johnny walker but hey, they’re all out of that … i’ll have a G&T then … so the barmaid asks which type of Gin i’d like… i think my look from beneath the rim of my hat just about gave her the answer ….

Anyway, i’m in the pub to meet an ex-band member mate so we can catch up on some lost time. All starts well but i cant help sense that i no longer feel the same way about this person, there’s too much water passed under our bridges and i’m left realising that our relationship is really teetering … Weirdly enough we move on to another pub and then one more, we have crossed words, then make up, have one last pint together, sing a karaoke song each and then my wayward airhead mind steers me out of the ale house and i jog on quickly across town, on my own.

As i turn a corner there ahead of me is a good friend, busking out in the cool night air.. ‘can i do a couple’ i hear meself asking, ‘for sure, be my guest’ says the captain and he sits off for a smoke whilst i promptly cue mad world.. Get some coins thrown in, the acoustics on lord street absolutely amazing, felt like i was a superstar as my voice carried right on up the buildings and into the sky above the city.. One more song, played ‘tick tock’ by futurejack and relished every moment, thankful to the people who put their money into the captain’s pot whilst on their friday night out.

Says my goodbyes to the captain.
Phone ringing.
Ex band member, fuming.
Texting.
I shouldn’t be getting off
Without saying goodbye.
Good goodbyes are always better left unsaid.

Moving swiftly on and i jump a bus out of town. Heading for Smithdown road, gonna meet a new friend who actually doesn’t show up but does ensure that i find my way to a wonderful little bar where the ratio of men to women has the best odds going. I know enough people in there and start having a ball. The band start playing their deep south rumba salsa swing thing and i keep on drinking…

I have a sweet spot for drummers, always have, always will i reckon.
And so, the band finish their set and the drummer is soon by my side and we’re getting on just fine, great little dancer he was too, swinging me about, making me laugh and smile. But then someone else comes in the room, someone i like a lot, a recent friend and then everything starts to change and the odds stack in my favour…

More drinking, more music, and the guys getting on the piano, striking out some grand tunes .. The atmosphere was boss..

The drummer offers me a hotel room with him for the night but my other mate, the dark haired talented lad, well i reckon he cast a spell on me, which is particularly good cos by now the drummer has lost me, as soon as he starts offering up some white line indulgence. My rule of thumb is, almost always, decline.

Suffice to say the rest of the night was brilliant and it carried on and spilt over into the next day and it carried on and t’was about 30 hours until i returned the said trilby to its rightful owner. It would easily have been on my head for another twelve hours had the talented lad not burst the spell and popped me out of my weekend bubble for ending up being just like the majority, preferring white lines to me..

My rule of thumb when it comes down to choice… almost always, decline.

So it all ended when, just about 2am when i left the bar and walked from smithdown road back to the other side of town … i freely admit i was feeling pretty flat, disappointed and let down, but i had to smile to myself and acknowledge and savour the fun i’d had, the golden hours i’d spent in between.  Sometimes just got to bite the bullet, when White Lines Rule is best to know when to quit.

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A little nip turns into a red hot night

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A bit of a cold start to bonfire night amidst a circle of students who looked upon me quite simply as a bit of flesh.. The emaciated bespectacled organiser and his cute looking counterpart, both too young and inexperienced to even bother to offer that tiny shred of necessity… ‘heat’ to a naked model… Uh huh, just a hard seat, a cold hard table and admittedly a luxury purple blanket was what they presented.  It was brass monkeys in that their grandiose room at the student guild.. A perfect temperature for perfect nipples, there is always a saving grace to every darn hellish situation…
And saving grace continued from there with the night improving somewhat as each step of the way got more drunken, every sambuca swigged, warming the cockles (and said frosted nipples)  to the point where invitation came through via text, to ‘the bonfire party’…
A quick stop at the city centre booze palace, where they are no longer offering any sort of bargains and indeed rob n thieve you of your small change..having got onto the game that every drinker just wants to leave the premises with their said drink and will not quibble over the few pence not forthcoming in change… Disgruntled, I obliged this game of theft because, i too just wanted to leave the shop with said alcohol, what i do remember is calling out loudly it be ‘dirty’… It’s an extra revenue all of its own… (the corner shop in my hometown where I grew up was doing it more than 25 years ago too, they know what they’re doing)…
So…ahoy the bonfire

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What an extremely wonderful warm collection of people were to be found in the vicinity..
I could possibly recount all that took place because I remember every enlightening conversation going on (even though I was well n truly under the influence) however… Personally for me, the best part of the night was when my good friend and I being deep deep in conversation suddenly took a swerve for the worse when he, totally wasted, lost his footing and stumbled, tripped and whooshed himself through the fire to fall in the lap of another good friend over t’other side… Everyone gathered to check he was okay… Then, sweet dear little Helen chirped up, looking at me.. ‘did you push him’…
It’s lucky we were all unashamedly very drunk and found it all to be hysterical

I’d like to elaborate on the unfolding of the rest of the night but alas that would mean I’d be telling my secrets, what I will garnish is that it was sweet n splendid and I think my ‘dry run’ new york nakedness is working already….

Countdown Commenced

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I just read a quote by Miuccia Prada.. ‘one’s life and passion may be elsewhere but New York is where you prove if what you think in theory makes sense in life’…

My life and passion is in photography and music and i theoretically gravitate on a pivotal axle of both hope and despair … My journey up until this point has mostly been a wandering galaxy of wading through successes, failures, heartbrakes, rushes of euphoria and madness and countered by bleak nihilism. I thought i’d found myself once, thought i really had been blessed with a purpose – but that was fleeting like a double edged rainbow.. Over a decade on still i realise (and it smacks with disappointment in myself) that i am yet to achieve the fundamental purpose of humanity … love

In all honesty, i do remember faintly what love feels like… Other than that for your birth mother (which can be pretty screwy) … So, im setting off to put my theory to the test … Its not even a theory actually but for the sake of the prada quote im going with it … I’m going to strip myself of most all of my possessions and go naked (uh huh) to new york … Gonna sing my heart out and see if, like in the animal kingdom, my warbling can attract real true dynamic love …
Cos without this (what my avalon head dreams to be) amazing piece of human nature …its game over!
Wish me well
And my lucky stars look over me
Fourteen days n fourteen nights
Countdown
Commenced….

A conclusion is the place where you find yourelf . . . when tired of thinking

Today is the anniversary of my 44th year of being on this planet….. and i find myself on a parodoxical plane of being tired of this life yet gripped by the thrill of what could become of it.  So much fun, but in equal portion so many troubles … a plague on the lifeline …. but in the meantime … i’ll get a cut n colour, stop the carbs, drop a dress size and go drink some more sambuca and have some more fun.  Happiness is always just around the corner, in fact it hides in the shadows, flits across the peripheral vision, resides in the chinks of light and the cracks in the walls and slopes about at home when you’re out trying to find it.  Today I wear the colour of the rainbows, either putting a brave face on it or actually living and feeling it … that is my conclusion …….

from morrisons to the knights’ bonfire …..

ahhhhh, familiar territory in the shape of Liverpool …

i’m still sick

i quickly collect the wee lad otherwise known as ‘Slippers’ (cos he pretty much likes to sit on your feet whenever possible, with or without a shitty ring hole), a quick thanks to the friend who watched over him (and wanted to give him back to me as soon as, which made the sick drive possible) … but anyway, i honoured my vow to collect the four-legged pooch before midnight on a (i think it was) Wednesday night – but this homelessness business (and not believing in the gregorian calendar) makes way for losing track of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and ….well, life in general.

as i write/type, i’m trying to remember where i went from collecting the dog…. ?!! without a home i’m finding it more challenging to remember where i’ve been

what i do know (only due to photographic evidence) … is that the following morning I had a Morrisons ‘Flying Start’ breakfast … and ahhhh! now i remember, the morrisons i went into was the one in Huyton and that would mean that i had a three day window of grace staying at a very good friends’ flat (where me and the two dogs had turned up the night before just around a half past midnight!!) … now it’s coming back to me. …..

this was breakfast (after walking the two dogs of course)

the flying start breakfast at morrisons

it cost about £3.60 all in with a cup of sugary tea, and it done the trick, revived me, sorted my immediate sanity issues …

and then i headed for Lark Lane ….  when i bought my halloween outfit a couple of days previously, i’d also seen a couple of things to make great presents … and there’s someone in my life (only via facebook) whom i haven’t seen since they were approximately 6 years old and very soon they were heading for 22!  so i had a gift to purchase and a shop to get to

and to get there i passed by somewhere which reminded me of my drummer

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…. and so i took a few more steps along the lane and thought, i have time for a coffee

so i went into the Green Days Cafe

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looked out of the window to keep dog’s eye on the little shop across the road …. the sun was streaming through the window and i sat back for a moment to renew my levels of sanity …. much in need as they were for renewal

and then, after coffee

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had a little wander round this shop ….

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